Months ago, while on vacation, I awakened suddenly to a pounding heart and a racing mind and an overall unexpected fork in what I thought to be a very straight path of life.
And just as it must and does when these things come about, life shifted. Prayers became longer and more intent in hearing. The Word, read, and digested more slowly. Inventory of life taken. Heart examined. Priorities weighed and the question of, "Why?" ever constant on my lips.
"Why, Lord? Why now? When children whirl and life blurs at it's busiest yet for us. Why?"
Test are run and come back negative and my chest heaves at the thought that there just might not be a tangible answer. I lean harder on the Father than ever before.
It is a hard season.
Harder than my parents divorce.
Harder than our first pregnancy and the dashed hope of the baby that wasn't.
Harder than anything I've yet to experience in my 28 years .
Several doctors have taken a guess at what drives the fear and keeps the cogs turning way past when I am ready for them to slow and quiet. Their words, their diagnosis', all hang like heavy blankets.
I cry to my husband about the thoughts in my head and the tightness in my chest and how I feel robbed of joy and peace. He gently reminds me that only earthly peace and joy are devoid of conflict. His arms comfort and his hands fold over over mine and the man who prefers music to books, reads aloud strong words from great men late into night until sleep finds me.
And slowly, like a small but steady trickle from a faucet, the Lord whispers softly to me that in being broken I am really being healed.
And so I praise Him, for His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts, and I daily cling to His promises and the HOPE of the Gospel.
And I continue to beseech Him for wisdom and strength in this journey.
Won't you pray with me?
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Admits these wearisome months, I have continued to find great encouragement through one of my favorite blogs, A Holy Experience. Recently, Ann, whom I often talk about to others as if she is one of my dearest friends, wrote a book called One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. This book is Ann's story of striving to live full of grace, and in her words, "waking up to joy and grace and beauty and all that is the fullest life when I must stay numb to losses and crushed dreams and all that empties me out." Ann also says in this week's in{courage} book club video,"I think the tension of every moment is if it's going to be resentment or am I going to accept it as a gift and it's going to be gratitude. All of the time. Every moment there is that choice. It is a battle all of the time."
So I begin today, choosing gratitude over resentment. Naming the gifts bestowed by a Father who loves dearly and tenderly and who's grace superabounds in all moments of life.
1-10 of my 1000 Gifts
1. A husband who patiently loves and comforts and who has welcomed the past couple months of tears as if they were his own.
2. For the darkness for that is when we truly understand light.
3. For a renewed sense of gratitude to the Father and ALL of His gifts.
4. For longer days and the promise of the coming Spring.
5. For grace.
6. For my dad, for reasons to numerous to list here.
7. For these days that keep me constantly seeking the Lord.
8. My babies and their infectious happiness that is thwarted neither by sadness or worry.
9. Tears in the eyes of a friend who asks you how you really are and then really listens.
10.The Cross and all it's Glory.
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Should you find yourself in a similar season of life OR if you just desire to count the gifts of our Father, please consider purchasing Ann's book and joining me in the One Thousand Gifts book club over at in{courage}. And if you've never heard about the Lord and the HOPE of the Gospel, I'd love to be the one to tell you about Him. 
